The more years I work as a dating coach, the more I feel frustrated about the double standards in our dating world. I can clearly see the double standards because I was raised in a whole lot different environment. It's not a perfect world, there are cultural and economic imbalances but trust me, men-women relationships are much more balanced and amicable - and lasting.
Personally, I believe that this double standard is the reason why dating is a battle field of the sexes and relationships between men and women are so messed up. As it stands today, the tables are tilted against men. In the Western world (and it's catching up all over the world), women are this all perfect superior helpless creatures badly oppressed by evil, cruel and heartless men. I am not saying that all men are "victims" , there are some really , cruel and heartless men out there- and I've met some of them (still gives me the creeps) but this article is based on my experience as a dating coach. It could be biased because most of my clients are men, but I think research (and the real world) can back me up on this one.
It seems that everything men do is wrong and when women do the same thing it's "okay". For example a man who says he prefers skinny, petite blondes over a BBW is called names like superficial, shallow and immature; focused on the women's body and sees them as sex objects. But we never really think of women who prefer taller guys (at least 5'10''or taller) with six pack abs and hard gluts as superficial, shallow and immature. Let alone those women who'll only date millionaires.
Another example is when a 50 year woman dates a guy 15 years her junior she is considered empowered and changing how people perceive relationships - and she appears on Oprah's show to boast about it. Her younger guy on the other hand is looked on with suspicious askance i.e. someone looking for a mother-figure. But when a 50 year man dates a woman 15 years his junior he is exploiting her. He goes on Jerry Springer's Show to boast about it!
Whether it's who should make the first move, who should ask for a date or who should pay for the bill, the formal distance of detachment and dissociation in the dating dynamics makes it virtually impossible to move from first eye-contact to sexual intimacy.
The irony is that this double -standards are not just affecting men, they are affecting women too, may be even much more so. Just read the kind of dating advice from men for men and you will not miss the "bitterness" and "get back at them" undertones. I read some of the advice and can't help but feel deep sadness. This advice from men who mostly have been ignored, despised, dismissed and hurt by women and now found away to "get even" and are training other men to "get their revenge" on women. Basically they've declared "war" against women.
But where does this leave men who do not want "revenge" but just want to be loved by a good women? men who want to settle down and raise a loving family?
The many emails I receive are from men who've distanced themselves from being challenged and stretched. They want love not war but are afraid to take risks and instead chose to protect their vulnerability at all costs. In short, they have allowed "fear" to direct their search for love.
As long as we (both men and women) prefer to remain immersed in this double standard, we filter every trace of love out of our perceptions, interactions and relationships. You can master all the dating, flirting and seduction techniques and tricks in the known world but as long as you allow your frustration, stress, pride, anger, fear, guilt, shame, etc to direct your search for love, you are actually asking the only thing in the universe that doesn't know what love is, to find it for you. Talk about letting the inmates run the asylum!
If you are a man or woman looking to truly fall in love, the first place you must go is inside yourself, how you view the opposite sex. Ask yourself these questions--Where do my attitudes, assumptions, and judgments come from? What are my self-destructive ways of thinking and relating? Do I have the capacity to respond from a place that is connected to something beyond emotional reactivity (frustration, stress, pride, judgmental attitude, etc.), and emotional wounds (anger, fear, guilt, shame, etc)? Once you have identified your self-destructive patterns, start changing them. By asking these probing questions and changing how you view the opposite sex, you will eventually become more aware of your own way of relating and be able to focus all your efforts in a personally significant way that not only makes you attractive to the opposite sex but draws love to you.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness™. Her unique approach to dating has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling relationships.
Christine's websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com and http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
Personally, I believe that this double standard is the reason why dating is a battle field of the sexes and relationships between men and women are so messed up. As it stands today, the tables are tilted against men. In the Western world (and it's catching up all over the world), women are this all perfect superior helpless creatures badly oppressed by evil, cruel and heartless men. I am not saying that all men are "victims" , there are some really , cruel and heartless men out there- and I've met some of them (still gives me the creeps) but this article is based on my experience as a dating coach. It could be biased because most of my clients are men, but I think research (and the real world) can back me up on this one.
It seems that everything men do is wrong and when women do the same thing it's "okay". For example a man who says he prefers skinny, petite blondes over a BBW is called names like superficial, shallow and immature; focused on the women's body and sees them as sex objects. But we never really think of women who prefer taller guys (at least 5'10''or taller) with six pack abs and hard gluts as superficial, shallow and immature. Let alone those women who'll only date millionaires.
Another example is when a 50 year woman dates a guy 15 years her junior she is considered empowered and changing how people perceive relationships - and she appears on Oprah's show to boast about it. Her younger guy on the other hand is looked on with suspicious askance i.e. someone looking for a mother-figure. But when a 50 year man dates a woman 15 years his junior he is exploiting her. He goes on Jerry Springer's Show to boast about it!
Whether it's who should make the first move, who should ask for a date or who should pay for the bill, the formal distance of detachment and dissociation in the dating dynamics makes it virtually impossible to move from first eye-contact to sexual intimacy.
The irony is that this double -standards are not just affecting men, they are affecting women too, may be even much more so. Just read the kind of dating advice from men for men and you will not miss the "bitterness" and "get back at them" undertones. I read some of the advice and can't help but feel deep sadness. This advice from men who mostly have been ignored, despised, dismissed and hurt by women and now found away to "get even" and are training other men to "get their revenge" on women. Basically they've declared "war" against women.
But where does this leave men who do not want "revenge" but just want to be loved by a good women? men who want to settle down and raise a loving family?
The many emails I receive are from men who've distanced themselves from being challenged and stretched. They want love not war but are afraid to take risks and instead chose to protect their vulnerability at all costs. In short, they have allowed "fear" to direct their search for love.
As long as we (both men and women) prefer to remain immersed in this double standard, we filter every trace of love out of our perceptions, interactions and relationships. You can master all the dating, flirting and seduction techniques and tricks in the known world but as long as you allow your frustration, stress, pride, anger, fear, guilt, shame, etc to direct your search for love, you are actually asking the only thing in the universe that doesn't know what love is, to find it for you. Talk about letting the inmates run the asylum!
If you are a man or woman looking to truly fall in love, the first place you must go is inside yourself, how you view the opposite sex. Ask yourself these questions--Where do my attitudes, assumptions, and judgments come from? What are my self-destructive ways of thinking and relating? Do I have the capacity to respond from a place that is connected to something beyond emotional reactivity (frustration, stress, pride, judgmental attitude, etc.), and emotional wounds (anger, fear, guilt, shame, etc)? Once you have identified your self-destructive patterns, start changing them. By asking these probing questions and changing how you view the opposite sex, you will eventually become more aware of your own way of relating and be able to focus all your efforts in a personally significant way that not only makes you attractive to the opposite sex but draws love to you.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness™. Her unique approach to dating has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling relationships.
Christine's websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com and http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
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