Dear Serial Monogamist

Hello interwebs.

Not too long ago, a commenter accused me, THE Serial Monogamist, of trying to take over DIW with my giant ego. Really, I’m just so happy someone was paying attention to me. Thanks for caring. But I thought and thought about it; thought about me, re-read all of my old posts again and again, and realized that yes, Lucky, you’re right. It is all about me. Me and my ego.

Funny thing, in addition to being egomaniacal, (and incredibly modest) I’m also a knowitall. And what do egomaniacal knowitalls just love to do? Give advice. This came in from a friend of a friend, and I couldn’t help myself.


Dear Serial Monogamist,

After how many days of unreturned phone calls should I write a guy off as a jerk?

Sincerely,

Miss Lonely Heart



Dear Lonely,

How many DAYS of unreturned phone calls? What the crap are you doing, lonely? Calling him day after day, leaving pathetic messages on his voice mail, and not hearing back? Or is this just one call, and then sitting around on your ass wondering when Mr. Wonderful is going to get around to thinking of you? Yikes.

Here’s the thing: If he doesn’t call you back, you can’t really write him off. He’s written you off. Forget about it. What you need to do is pull up your big girl britches, give him the finger, and move on.

But don’t be afraid to ask yourself why he didn’t call. Are you boring? Do you sit around waiting for awesome things to happen to you? Because that’s not really the way it works. I could be wrong (I think I was, like, once), but something about your question just reads “needy and boring.” Try being less of both. Go out and get an independent life. Take a drawing class. Learn a new hobby. Stop watching so much reality TV. Then maybe you won’t have to count days between phone calls.

Love,

Serial

Got a dating question? Email me at seriallymonogamous@gmail.com

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Dear Serial Monogamist: Gettin' Some

Dear Serial Monogamist,

What's the easiest way for a girl to get laid in this town?

Sincerely,

Tired-Of-Masturbating


Dear TOM,

I’ve believed for some time that nearly any woman who possesses at least average looks and charm can probably pull tail on any given night. I know a single gal or two, and I know that when they’re determined to bone down, they’re successful.

But so much depends on you, darling. I mean, have you checked out all the options at work? Interns maybe? They’re usually pretty easy. Do you pass out your phone number indiscriminately to any male who glances your direction? I mean, you’ve gotta keep casting if you want to catch one.

You know and I know that I can’t write you a recipe for action, but I wonder if you know the basic recipe for “getting laid.” (Which is, of course, a helluvalot different than the “meeting someone special” or “having good sex” recipe)

1) Go out.
2) Apply alcohol.
3) Make eye contact with a target.
4) Look away.
5) Look back.
6) Smile.

Repeat until your target approaches.

From there, it’s easy. Laugh at his jokes. Touch your hair, but not too much. Tease him. Drink more. One item that women sometimes make a mistake on: Don’t try to get him to buy you drinks, buy your own. This is about getting some nookie, not about getting free booze.

At some point, hopefully after a spell of making out in the corner, all that’s left to do is offer to pour him a drink at your place. Do not pass go, and do not, for the love of tits, ask if he has a girlfriend (remember, kids, this is a “get laid” course, not a “be a good person” tutorial).

I should say something about safety at this point, you know, carry a knife in your purse, have a fruitbowl of condoms on your nightstand at all times, have a safety “out” word if you play with S&M; but Jesus, I’m a dating blogger. I’m not your mother.

One more tip. If June has taught us anything, it’s this: Fly solo. You’re less intimidating when you’re not surrounded by a flock of women. If you’re too afraid to go out alone, at least go to the bar alone when you get a refill.

If all else fails, lower your standards. Ugly dudes, guys with one leg, guys wearing silk shirts, hell, they all need love. Grab a hold of a mullet and go to town. Imagine approaching a nerd and taking him home. He’d be so grateful. I won’t judge you.

Haha, just kidding. You know I will. But I tease because I love.

Got a question for the Serial Monogamist? Sure you do. E-mail it to seriallymonogamous@gmail.com

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Dear Serial Monogamist: Time to get freaky?

Dear Serial Monogamist,

Any recommendations for spicing up a lackluster sex life?

Signed,
A lady who thinks being married is weirder

OK, Weirder, you didn’t give me much to go on. I mean, what have you tried? Role play? S&M? Pegging? Watching porn together? Sex toys? Dirty talk? Sex in public? New positions? Dress-up? Sex games? Threesomes? Stripteases? A little ass play? Have you been doing your Kegels?

I kind of hope you haven’t tried all that, to be honest. Because I sometimes wonder how couples who start off with crazy rockstar monster sex deal once they get bored with THAT. “God, the sex swing and the midgets again? Snore.” What a nightmare.

However, if you’ve been having mellow, vanilla sex with your hubby, then there’s a long list of things you can introduce that can make things seem new again. The internet is full of ideas.

Of course, that advice assumes that you and your husband are willing to try. And that can be scary and weird. But you have to talk to your husband, and tell him that you’re not happy with the situation as it is and make sure he gets that it’s important that you guys fix the problem. Because it is important. Humping matters. And who knows, maybe there’s been something he’s been wanting to try that he was afraid to bring up. What if all you have to do is put on some high heels while you go at it, and suddenly he’s all wound up and the next thing you know you are, too?

Don’t forget this, though: Being negative in the conversation won’t help. You don’t want him to feel like a loser who can’t get you off, because then what’s his motivation to work on finding your G spot? The whole thing needs to be fun. “It’s an adventure, honey! An adventure that leads to more sex!” Who’s going to say no to that? If he does, after you approach it in a positive way, if he’s still hesitant, you could always tell him that satisfied wives give more BJs.

Love,

Serial



Got a dating question for Serial Monogamist? Let's hear it. Send it to seriallymonogamous[at]gmail[dot]com.

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In praise of Monday night nookie

This note from "Old Married Hag" (she came up with that name, not me) came in as a response to my latest Dear Serial column.

As Serial pointed out a few days ago, married life can be unkind to the old sex life. Kids, cooking, mortgages, soccer practice - who has the time for sex? Or the energy?

Which is why marriages like mine descend into the deadly rut of Saturday-night sexcapades. Sure, we throw on a porno occasionally or bust out a dildo. But sex on Saturdays after the kids were in bed had taken on a distinctively dull feeling. Yawn, is it Saturday night again? OK, you get the KY.

Which is why my new solution is so much fun: Monday night nookie!

I know it seems like not such a groundbreaking notion, but Monday night nookie has freshened up my week considerably. Sex outside the humdrum routine of a 15-year-relationship adds a spice that's all to rare for those of us who are old enough to have voted for Clinton. And who knows what a day-of-the-week shakeup could lead to? This week, adding Monday sex also introduced a new location to the repertoire. Nothing like a carpet burn on the ass to remind you that sex is fun even when it's not in bed or on the couch.

Getting out of the sex rut may also lead to other firsts: It's surprising how open to experimentation both of you will be if you just step outside the normal screwing 'schedule.'

Dating may be weird, but marriage can be weirder. And hotter.

Serial here. You got a question for me, dating (or, apparently marriage)-related? Or do you have feedback on my advice? C'mon. I know at least some of y'all think I'm full of shit. E-mail me at seriallymonogamous[at]gmail[dot]com.

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Dear Serial: Do not answer this question

Dear Serial,

So, I’ve been trying on line dating out. I’ve met a couple of people, even in person, but nothing major has come of it. I tend to be pretty picky about who I meet. See, if I know it’s not going to work out before it even starts, I think, why bother? But there’s this one guy I can’t decide on.

We’ve exchanged several emails, and even pics. But there are things that trouble me. He doesn’t have a job or a car, for one. He says he’s working on it. He isn’t really into the same things I am, he doesn’t like hiking, camping, biking, skiing. Those are my major passions. He is into music, and I like that, though. But his spelling and grammar are pretty terrible, and, worst of all, he has a three-year-old daughter half-time. I don’t have kids, and I don’t like them.

The thing is, I’d probably just say no thanks, even though he’s good-looking, if it weren’t for one thing. He’s black. I’m white. I’ve never gotten with a black guy before, and I really want to.

Does that make me a bad person?

Signed,

Just looking for a little jungle fever

Dear Fever,

I think so … but, you know, uhh … that doesn’t mean I think you shouldn’t go for it, not necessarily ... though, I’m not sure …

Hooboy. This is a tough one; let me argue this out with myself.

OK, so. You’re clearly objectifying this guy. And you’re doing it in a way that makes me feel icky, a way that brings to mind the long American history of sexual objectification of black men – women, too, for that matter. And that really makes the Liberal White Guilt alarm bells in my head start going off, loudly. With sirens and whooping bells and all that.

But, I gotta say, isn’t objectification what we all do when we date? I mean, you weigh competing factors, and some of them are bound to be shallow. Is it OK to be an ass man? I think so. Is it OK to be into big titties? It has to be. Is it OK for me to have never dated someone shorter than me? Sorry, little dudes, you’re just not for me.

So what if race is just one of your factors? You make it sound like this guy’s race is just one factor on your list.

And yet. Is this something you’d be willing to admit to him? I think maybe the answer to that question gives up a bit about whether or not it’s OK. I mean, if a guy I’m dating tells me he thinks I’m attractive, that he just loves my, oh, I dunno, my long legs (hey, this is the internet, I can be who I want to. ), is that going to bother me? Nope. If he loves red hair and green eyes, and that’s what I’m packing, I think: Sweet! If he loves my porcelain skin, is that too much of a stretch? No. (Though if he loves my pure Aryan blood, we’re getting back to danger category) But no one deserves to be condescended to.

And, doi, race is so much more than physical characteristics. It’s about culture, too. Sometimes culture’s a factor, and rightly so. I mean, I’ve been drawn to dudes because they were from Texas, or loved the fact that their mothers were English professors. Maybe you’re looking to widen your horizons. But that’s not the impression I get from the way you put the question.

In fact, looking at your question more closely, I see that you didn’t ask me if you should go out with him. You asked if it made you a bad person that you wanted to. And in that distinction, I see the opportunity for a cop-out. The question you posed is this: Are you a bad person for wanting to get with a black guy?

At this point, I think I’ve talked myself into a corner: No, not necessarily.

But the question you didn’t ask was whether or not you would be a bad person if you only got with this guy because he’s black.

Thank you for not asking me that.

In conclusion, let me just say this:

How Heath Lost His One Black Friend - watch more funny videos

Love,
Serial




Got a question for Serial Monogamist? Email it to seriallymonogamous[at]gmail[dot]com

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Dear Serial: I humped my friend's husband

Dear Serial,

Apparently, a friend of mind just found out I fucked her husband. Thing is, it only happened one time, and it was years and years ago. I mean, it happened more than 10 years ago. It happened before they even got together, it was before I even got together with my now husband. Now, we’re all really good friends and have been for years, but recently, she’s saying weird stuff like, “sometimes you just wish you didn’t know things” and just being kind of strange towards me.

I told my husband about that pity-fuck years ago, he’s not upset. What should I say to my friend?

Thanks,
Married and not going there ever again

Dear MANGTEA (that’s kind of funny, at first when I looked at that, I thought it said Mangenta, which would clearly be a hot new color in men’s wear, much more masculine than purple),

Don’t say a thing. You did your duty and disclosed your long-forgotten pity fuck to your husband; it was pally over there’s job to tell HIS wife about any potentially-awkward fucks, oh, I dunno, maybe before they got married? That is, of course, if he was going to tell her. There’s a certain point at which, if you haven’t mentioned it already, you should just let the fuck lie.

Plus, what if you say something, and that’s not what she was talking about? Especially if he hasn’t told her? That conversation’s going to be fun. “Oh, you were talking about how you finally noticed that I dog-eared your grandmother’s copy of Gone With the Wind? Oh. Heh. Well nevermind all that about fucking your husband. Oh, and the “pity” thing? What did I mean by that? Well certainly did not mean that I’m more attractive than your husband or that he was super desperate in the period leading up to him getting with you. No. Not at all.”

Leave it be, Mangenta.

Love,

Serial




Got a question for Serial Monogamist? Want to tell her how full of shit she is? Do it. We dare ya. Send your email to seriallymonogamous[at]gmail[dot]com.

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Dear Serial: Who buys dinner?

Dear Serial,

So, I'm back into the dating scene again after a 15-year hiatus, and am totally clueless about protocol, etc. I figured that you, Ms. Serial, as a renowned and infamous serial dater, might have some advice on first dates, having had SOOOOOO many.

So, I have a date tomorrow with a friend of a friend. We're planning to go out for dinner, and I'm unsure about the whole payment thing. I mean, it used to be that dudes were always expected to pay, but when I was dating before, that wasn't always the deal. I mean, some women were actually offended by that and felt like if the man paid, there was an expectation. Plus, this is a reaaaaallly casual date. I have no idea if I'm at all "into" this woman. I'm kinda just wanting to go on some dates and see how it all works again.

So, should I pay or not?

Mr. Completely Out Of the Loop

Dear Mr. Cool (nice work on that one, by the by),

Yes. Pay for dinner.

Love,

Serial

OK, cool, sorry. You probably were looking for some justification on this one. So just to be sure, I surveyed women of various ages, and all said that yes, they want a man to pay for dinner. One response was, and I'm not making this up, "If he wants a blow job he'll pay."

Now, I'm not saying buying dinner automatically entitles you to a blow job, you'll have to show up with flowers or something in order to earn that (and not roses, for the love of god). Most women will go on a date with the expectation that she might have to pay half. One woman said that she always takes enough cash to pay for half of dinner and a cab ride home. Now maybe my sample's unenlightened and anti-feminist, but ... there's a good chance that a lady who's going to go on such a traditional first date is not exactly avant-garde.

Personally, if I go out with a guy, and offer to pay half (I always offer), and my cash doesn't get turned down, I assume he's not that into me. So, I guess if that's the message you want to convey, then by all means, split the check. Hell, try to get her to pay. That could work out really well for you, I guess. Perhaps she's rich and looking for a kept man? Stranger things have happened.

XOXO Cool,

Serial

Got a question for the Serial Monogamist? Send it on over to seriallymonogamous[at]gmail[dot]com.

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Dear Serial: I'm all out of love

Dear Serial,

My girlfriend is a smart, pretty, kind, funny, loving and rad woman. She's my best friend and I love her deeply. Only problem (there's always one, right?) is that I'm not attracted to her anymore. I'm also not sure if I'm still in love with her, but I care about her so much and love our friendship that I don't want to break up.

Any advice?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I have so many questions. When you say your girlfriend is smart, pretty, kind and funny, are you, you know, saying “she has a good personality”? Like, does she have a very pretty face? Is she really beautiful on the inside?

You know what I’m getting at. Are we looking at a few too many relationship pounds?

If so, I sympathize. Not so much with you, but with her. Goddamnitall if it isn’t hard not to plump up when you’re in a relationship. All that love and acceptance. The joy of cooking for and sharing meals with your honey. But if those pounds have gone from pleasantly plump to too much cushion for the pushin,’ it’s time for a chat. A loving, kind chat. Though there’s really no easy way to go about it. You’ll likely hurt her feelings. Try telling her you want to get healthier together. You can use a line like, “And just imagine how well our clothes will fit!” Naturally, you’ll mean, “You can finally pull those skinny jeans out of the back of your closet!” But I wouldn’t suggest actually saying that line.

She might be pissed, but unless she has a really good reason for getting fat, like having a kid, or an injury, it’s reasonable to expect she keep in shape for you, just as it’s reasonable for her to expect you to take care of yourself. Now, you can’t expect her to stay the same size forever, we all get a little bit fatter as we age (and if that rule doesn’t apply to you, well you can just go ahead and eat shit), but within reason, it’s OK to say, “Let’s get to the gym, sweetheart.”

Now, if it’s not that something she can control has changed, but it’s just that you don’t love her anymore, why are you still with her? For friendship’s sake? She probably has enough friends. You’re her boyfriend (or girlfriend, I can’t tell). If it’s just that the spark’s not there anymore, have you tried to get it back? Do you care to? There are things that can be done. You know them. Try something new. Go on a trip. Talk about whatever your problems are.

But if it’s really not happening, why not just dump her? If you’re not attracted to her, you’re not doing her any favors by sticking with her. She didn’t sign up for a friend, did she? She signed up for a more-than-friends situation.

Love, Serial

Got a question for Serial Monogamist? Want to tell her how full of shit she is? Do it. We dare ya. Send a note to seriallymonogamous[at]gmail[dot]com

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Dear Serial: Is this legal?

Dear Serial,

I attended my cousin's wedding. Yes, the reception was open bar. There was a guy there and... truth be told, I knew he was on the Bride's side too because he managed to sit next to me at the wedding proper. We exchanged pleasantries and photos of the wedding.

Later, we ended up running away from the celebration and mindlessly making out on streetcorners throughout downtown Major Midwestern City. We have since done the other rather more naked things that people tend to do.

He is my father's brother's widow's great-nephew. There is no real blood connection so we think we might be okay (despite the fact that we are both the black sheep of our families). Oh, yeah, and I don't really look my age and he's 12 years younger than me. Still, is this illegal? He's 23... so it's probably legal in most states.

Help me,
"Sophia"

Dear Sophia,

I had to draw a picture to get this one straight in my head.



OK, so I'm not really great at drawing family trees (And I totally gave him Justin Beiber hair). Basically, it looks like while you guys are of the same generation. I'd go so far as to say you're family, but I'm not pulling the incest card. I googled family relationships and looked at some charts written by people who understand this shit, and I don't think you're actually any kind of cousin, not even a cousin 14 times removed.

As for the age, yes. You're cool.

So, legally, we're all good.

The real question is whether it's OK, morally. And I say, yes. Not only is it OK, morally speaking, but it's pretty hot. Forbidden fruit, but without the yucky concerns of arrest or babies with arms growing out of their foreheads.

Fact is, people are supposed to hook up at weddings. That's what weddings are for. It's not about the couple. Weddings exist for the purpose of making old ladies cry, giving people the opportunity to dress up, and giving all of us an excuse to get wasted and get laid. Even if you're humping a way younger, almost-relative. Or, maybe especially if you're humping a way younger, almost-relative.

Rowr.

Love,

Serial



Got a question for Serial Monogamist? Oh, sure you do. Send them to seriallymonogamous[at]gmail[dot]com

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A Day in the Life of DIW

In case you were wondering, yes, we all have our Dear Serial days.

frenchie: hi honeybun

serial: whaddup dollface??

frenchie: oh, nothing

i was going to get some advice on how to not respond to the boy

i just.... ugh. feel awful just flipping the ignore switch

serial: You already dumped him.

frenchie: i know!

and i think he's trying to worm his way back in or something?

i think he thinks it's working

serial: Poor guy.

frenchie: i know

serial: The only way to take the plunge is to stop replying completely

I mean, I wouldn't suggest that

if it weren't clear he's delusional

I've had more than one guy I dated for awhile

broke it off with

and then texted back and forth a little bit

Like, he'd send a friendly

thing and i'd reply nicely

made it easier when I ran into him on the street

frenchie: yeah...

serial: but his courtesy has run its course.

No mas.

frenchie: maybe he's not delusional? i dunno.
he just seems way too caring

i don't like it

serial: I feel like I'm missing something

why wouldn't you ignore him?

Because it'll hurt his feelings?

frenchie: because he's nice and he means well

yeah

it would be a weird blow to him for me just not to answer

serial: Well then you could always lie to him

Ignore him for a week

then say

"Sorry I haven't been replying, just really busy"

then ignore him for two

(or, you know, baby steps)

frenchie: hmm. that could work

serial: He'll know you're lying

but that's OK

It eases the blow of being ignored a bit

But when you say

"sorry I haven't been replying"

and he replies to that

you must NOT RESPOND

frenchie: ahhhh

true

serial: even to direct questioning

frenchie: i see

serial: That's my advice

frenchie: i kinda want to say "you give me both the heebies and the jeebies now. please go away"

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