Three ways to confuse the Serial Monogamist

1) Go out on one date. At the end of the date, ask for date two, to which she replies, “Maybe let’s grab a beer sometime, you know, as friends?” Follow up with near daily joke email forwards.

2) Go out on three dates. Get into an argument on date #2 and date #3. When you try to set up date three, and she says, “you know, actually, this is going to sound really strange, but I think not. I’ve met someone, and I think it might go somewhere. You’ve been there, right?” Tell her, of course, yes, sure. Thanks for being honest. "Pocket dial" her that night, so she can hear what sounds like a bar in the background. When she texts, asking if that pocket dial was intentional, ignore her. Then, weeks later, send her a text, just saying hi and wondering how she is.

3) Go out on two dates. Try to make date three. When she explains that while you seem really nice, you two don’t seem to be a match, tell her she’s “wrong.” Then continue for weeks afterward to send emails and texts. Continue this even after you’ve sent a text that says, “Hey stranger, how are you doing?” and she replies, “Good. I’m seeing someone.”

Isn’t it OK to just stop talking to someone you went out with just a few times, after it’s clearly, amicably way, way over?

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Anthropormorphising

Yes, it's essential that your pet like your partner, and vice versa. I mean, Christ, look at this.

I can't imagine how difficult it would be if my pooch hated The New One. Or if he wasn't patient with her overzealous love of him, or her overzealous protectiveness of me (used to great effect with a creepy drunk bum in the Rite Aid parking lot the other night ... he was asking for change and got a little too close for comfort, like close enough to smell, and all I had to do was crack my car door and the vicious attack dog foaming at the mouth got him to back right on up), or her general state of overzealousness, actually.

But now we've discovered how to use our pets against each other, and hide our own feelings in text messages from our pets, i.e., "Puppy misses u terribly." (Psychoanalyze that one, that's like a twice removal of feelings or something, innit?)

It could get ugly, though, right?

"Well puppy thinks u smell bad."
"Kitty sez puppy's a jerk who p's her pants."
"Hey, puppy only p's her pants when she sees u bc she loves you."

The passive-aggressive potential is delightful ....

"Puppy h8s you and ate the ugly pants u left here."
"Kitty took a shit on the valNtine u made."
"Oh noes! Kitty changed the locks on u!"
"Goldfish wants u to fuck off n die."

What would your pet text?

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You'll Know Exactly What These Are

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High maintenance

I recently went out on a perfectly fine little first date. Date was on time, cute enough, and the conversation was good. So good, in fact, that we were both shocked to discover that it was nearly 2 a.m.

As I waited for a cab, he stood on the curb with me, close enough to smell. Smelled nice. We talked about seeing "Action Flick by That One Really Good Director," and he said he'd call me to arrange it, told me he would be out of town for a couple of days, but he'd be back by midweek. As my cab pulled up, I saw him going for a kiss, but I was feeling like dragging things out (anticipation can be fun), so I have him a hug, a big smile and a wink, and I was off.

A week later, nay, more than a week later, I got a text:

"Seen Action Flick Yet?"

I was a little confused about why it had taken so long to make any contact, but I shrugged and replied:

"Not yet."

A week later, I sent a text:

"Cat got your tongue? Well, no worries, I'll see it solo. Best, June."

He replied:
"No no, my friend. I just wasn't particularly enthused by your response. What time do you get off work this week?"

Really, internet? Would you go out with a guy who's that high-maintenance? I mean, what did he want, a smiley face emoticon at the end of the text?

Is there an emoticon that means "Fat Chance"?

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Tips for Flirting with People Behind the Desk

I'm not really going to get into specifics, but I have a job where I work behind a desk.  My job is helping you find stuff, and I am supposed to be friendly and open and cheery and I happen to dress kinda cute most of the time.  People... some people... don't get that this is my job and I am like that to everyone.  Ladies in my profession are frequently the object of Craigslist Missed Connections and all sorts of other misplaced crushes.  Just because you have a card with my e-mail on it: don't send me drunken fanmail emails at 12:30 a.m. on a Sunday because I DON'T have a clue who you are. 

I recently found myself flirting with a really really cute guy.  He was at his work.  It happened to be at a phone place, so in order to test my phone service he called my phone... like three times... just to check.  Now, honestly, the last thing I need in my life is ANOTHER guy to muck up the works, but Rebound Mojo is a bitch.  Instead of dwelling on my overwhelming knee-jerk reaction to text him, I am going to write a posting.

Tips for Flirting with People Behind the Desk.

1. This person is at work.
2. This person is probably bored.
3. This person is providing you with excellent customer service.
4. This person probably has a supervisor watching them.
5. This is first and foremost a commercial or educational interaction.
6. Any personal information gleaned from this exchange is null and void for personal use.
7. The way to ask someone out on a date is to ASK THEM OUT ON A DATE.

Have a really nice day. Come back soon!

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My very own pet stalker

Today's offering is a guest post from "hackneygirl". Happy Dating!

My first ever internet date. Yay! But me being me I should have known it couldn’t go well. And in fact I think I have managed to bag myself my very own personal stalker. WAY TO GO!

I ought to have clocked it earlier but I’m new to this game and his profile was very funny – dry and sarcastic – and his pics were pretty cute. His emails were short and to the point and he seemed keen to meet up rather than spending lots of time exchanging inane emails. My impression: alpha male, possibly quite arrogant but could be a lot of fun. So, to a backing track of alarm bells faintly tinkling, I agreed to meet him for a drink the following evening. And that’s when the trouble started.

8am. My phone buzzes. It’s a text seemingly checking I gave him a real number. Concerning. I reply with a one word affirmative.
8.10am. Another text. This time re-confirming the details of our date later on. I do not reply.

The uneasy feeling persists throughout the day but I am repeatedly reassured that everyone feels like this before their first internet date. Just go along! What’s the worst that can happen? Ok Dr. Pepper, fine, I’ll go!

6pm. Another text. ‘See you soon. x’ SERIOUSLY! I am going to bail if he sends me one more word. I send a matter of fact response. Definitely no kisses.
7pm. (we’re meeting at 8 and I am at this point waiting at a bus stop). Another text! This time saying he’s been delayed at work. So I ring him to find out if he’s a total loony or what. It rings out. I leave a message then head home. This guy has clearly never been out with a girl in his life.
8pm. Buzz, buzz. ‘Just leaving. Can be there in 5 mins.x’ Dude, did you not listen to my message – I’ve gone home for pete’s sake!
8.05pm. He rings me. It takes me FIFTEEN whole minutes to get him off the phone in which time he has repeatedly tried to find out where I live, offered to come and meet me near my house, asked me out for dinner on every single night of the next two weeks (it’s amazing how busy I am all of a sudden) and extracted a promise that I’ll check my diary and get back to him.
10.30pm. Unbelievably, he texts again. Not being insane myself I do not reply.
2am. Yes, you read that right, 2 o clock in the am, he messages me online to explain, yet again, what held him up. I will have to block his profile. He’s not going to like that.

So, I remain an internet virgin and very likely the object of some disturbed fantasy. I am also probably going to have to change my phone number. Do I feel just a little bit grubby and freaked out? Yes I do. Am I going to quit internet dating? Of course not! Or not yet anyway… *

*Since writing this post he has settled into a routine of texting me every morning at 9am with a new angle on why he didn’t make it to our date and the myriad ways he would like to make it up to me. It’s kind of comforting. I might even miss him when he stops.

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The Text Message Diaries

A good looking friend of mine recently joined Match.com. We'll call him "Guy." Guy already has plenty of dates, and his online dating hasn't stopped him from asking out the chick at the bar, all of my friends, pretty much any cute girl.

The other day we were chatting about Girl #735 and how it had ended poorly, yet again, over text. I asked to see the conversation and almost pissed my pants. Good stuff. The best part is he's too lazy to delete his texts. We're talking months of texts with dozens of women.

So I asked, would you be willing to let us publish the conversations, au total, on DatingIsWeird?

He's game. Sorta. I had to buy him beers and dinner so I could transcribe what follows is.

Guy:

I just felt Like we had a cheesy good bye and all.

And now I'm second guessing

my communication like u :)

Girl #1:

Well don't!

Guy:

Clicked "politely ignore" on ur wink.

And your messages and profile disappeared.

Girl #1:

Really? I saw a message that said

something along the lines of "thanks but no thanks",

funny!

I didn't feel like u invited yourself last night.

I ended up just hanging out at my

friends house. I closed my profile on match for a bit,

probably why its gone.

Guy:

Jeeze... I hope its not b/c of me. Didn't mean to try &

make it a date & I should have kept my

developing crush to myself. Hope u stay in touch.

I would like to hang out again

but I won't pester u. I promise!

Girl #1:

Ha ha. Second guesser. The crush talk was sweet!

I closed my profile for a bit because

I just felt like taking a break, has nothing

to do with you. I like you, stoke we are friends!

Going through some bullshit right now,

stressful day. If I don't respond or pick up

its not because of you.

Guy:

guilty as charged!

(A few days later....)

Girl #1:

Thanks? Ok. Match is weird because

it causes pressure when u go out. Like

you have to decide right then if u like

the person. Pressure!

Guy:

Thats all you. I mean we do get to choose

from dozens of possible dates so I imagine

lots of people end up liking something

about one another, thats fun

I don't feel it like pressure

Girl #1:

Yep, it is all me I guess. That's why I realized

that I'm not ready for dating. I've never really

done that before. Just met friends and

it turned into something. Dating isn't fun for me,

plus I have too much baggage. Well, good luck ;)

Guy:

Yea I know you were just looking for friends...

Sorry I wasn't fun for you. I think u r hot and cool

but I didn't mean to bring the pressure.

Hope we can hang out again sometime, friends.

Girl #1:

Crap!!! No! You were fun, ugh,

can I make this more of a mess?

I'm such a social retard. I like u.

YES friends and let's hang out again.

(Again, a few days later...)

Girl #1:

We should go grab a beer??

Guy:

Dang..I think I may have plans as of 1/2 hour ago.

Text u tomorrow and let's figure it out.

Girl #1:

Sounds good...I'm more fun :)

Guy:

I wouldnt know. Jus kidding.

Girl #1:

You son of a bitch!! J/k...

I might go out tonight.

Okay I'm not. Talk to u tomorrow :)

(The next day)

Guy:

Okay what about planning on a beer later :)

say 6 or 7. And just see what unfolds

Girl #1:

What about your other plans??

Guy:

Well im keeping it vague

and since u r just a friend,

I'm not going to feel bad

if we cut it short because someone else

wants to meet me afterward.

Hah, like u did the other day. Fair enough?

Girl #1:

Ha ha! Ok. You would not have had fun

if u came with me. It was lame. Me, my friend, and

her Weirdo husband at their house...

Guy:

That's perfect, u wouldn't have fun

w/ me later either b/c

my other plan might actually like me. Hehe

Girl #1:

Oh please! Of course they will,

but will they be as fun as me? NO

Guy:

We'll see, call me later?

Girl #1:

Stop being so mad at me.

Yes, let's plan for around 7?

(A few logistical texts later. I'm going to include times from here on out because they also say something...)

Girl #1:
5:28

You better not stand me up

because you're so mad at me ;)

It will hurt my heart. See u at 7

6:05

Ok, you're going right?

6:29

Tonight seems weird and you have plans after, so

let's plan for another time :)

Have fun tonight on your date!

Guy:

7:02

Are you effing kidding me? I just got the message that you want to bail?

I'm pissed I rushed home to take a shower so I could meet up with you

after you practically begged me.

I actually canceled my plans with a very sweet girl...

And now I've got nothing to do....

Damn it I'm so pissed. I was on a motorcycle ride with a friend

so I didn't get the texts until I got home and got out of the shower.

We rushed back from ___________ so I could meet you on time.

(Guy calls Girl #1 twice)

Girl #1:
7:02

I'm not answering cause I don't want to get yelled at.

I'm sorry I came across as begging you.

You made it sound like you had plans right after,

u didn't tell me u canceled. If u could relax a little

we could figure out what to do, Jesus!

Guy:

7:15

Whatever! You're acting totally crazy.

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The Ex Card

Here's another guest post from one of our beloved readers, Anne.

I was going through a difficult time with an ex and was trying to move on. So, when this new boy came along and asked me if I wanted to hang out, I thought, "why not?" He was cute, seemed quite funny, and he knew some of the same people as me so I felt safe meeting him. After a couple of dates, I realized that this wasn't going to go anywhere. He talked a LOT, and most of what he said was nonsensical. Basically, we didn't connect. After a few dates, I wondered why I had let myself spend so much time with him....

One given day, I was looking forward to seeing my ex, but he let me down, as usual. I ended up sad and in bed by 10:30. So, when the new boy sent a text asking if he could come round, I said why not. After all, I was shaved, moisturized within an inch of my life, and ready to go. Here's what happened next.

He started talking. I shouldn't have been surprised, I suppose. But he soon went into a spiel about how he had been told that he he looked happy, and it was from hanging out with me. I didn't care, and I told him so. After all, I didn't like him. What's worse, is that he thought me telling him that I wasn't interested was me being shy or demure - that I didn't believe him and needed some reassurance. Ha. He should have shut his mouth and just gotten down to the reason for his visit.

As if that weren't enough, he started talking about his mother and her three boyfriends. They were all the opposite of keepers, to put it simply. When I suggested that perhaps she was going through a breakdown, he SCREAMED at me, saying how she's been like this for 8 YEARS! And I still don't care. Neither did I care about his rough upbringing in Philly, or his several trips to prison, including a two week stint in maximum security. Excuse me?!!!

At this point, I realize that it's definite, I never want to see him again. But it's obvious that this one needs to be handled with care. Though he sends me text after text - what am I up to, can we get brunch? - I play the "ex" card, say I still feel weird, and he understands. It wasn't a lie, but it did the trick, and I'll certainly be playing that card again.

If you liked that little tale, check out Anne's blog at http://annesaneries.wordpress.com/.

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Captain Obvious

I am happy to say that I am seeing a card-carrying member of the Human Race now. New One and I went to the Apple Store last night and bought a computer for him. That's not what this is about, though. This is about the unwelcome drunk texts I got from a previous fling-guy this past weekend.


(FRIDAY/SATURDAY 2:00 A.M.)

HIM: Are U in?

ME: Functionally asleep. Goodnight. Been lights-out for almost an hour now.

HIM: What floor are you on again?

ME: Shuddap.

HIM: But I am in the elevator.

ME: You have a home to go to don't be weird like this.

HIM: The only weird part is that you don't want to f#ck me.

Me: You're being really weird now and by weird I mean illegal.

HIM: Okay, if U say so.


(SATURDAY/SUNDAY 2:10 A.M.)

HIM: Hi. Sex? I like it :)


(MONDAY, 6:09 P.M.)

HIM: Sorry about Saturday. I was drunk which is never an excuse! Sorry!


This evening New One and I are going to dinner and a movie. My phone will be turned off at night from now on.

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