Craigslist Personals - You Answered It

**Editors' Note: An anonymous post today about dating online.**

Dating is weird. The weirdness gets brought to a new level when you involve the internet.

But hell, why not give it a shot, right? I have.

And it was fine. Perfectly fine. We exchanged a few emails, we met for a couple of beers and a snack. He was cute enough, decent conversation, but no spark. No problem. Just a decent conversation with someone in town I might not have met otherwise. We even had a few things in common, so we chatted about that.

He was describing a painting he had made years ago. There were a couple of figures, and over them, he had pasted a newspaper clipping.

“Probably some depressing story,” he said, “Or the classifieds or something.”

Thinking of the shit-state of the economy, the lack of “help wanted” ads and the proliferation of people selling off personal possessions in order to stay afloat, I said, “Well, classifieds can be pretty depressing.”

“Yeah,” he said, snickering, “especially the personals.”

Awkward pause.

“Oh, that was bad. Sorry,” he said.

I moved on.

But, please. Are you kidding me? You answered the fucking thing.

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Strictly Business

**Editors' Note: Today's guest post started out as a conversation we had on the phone yesterday with a friend. Quickly realizing he sounded too much like a Craigslist personals ad to not share on DIW, we wrote down what he said.**

So here's how my dating usually goes:

Either I like a woman or she likes me in the romantic way. Rarely is it a two way street. One person feels it much more than the other and it's obvious but not awkward. Or at least, it's not awkward in the we-have-to-have-a-conversation-about-me-having-feelings-for-you sort of way.

It's more like a business negotiation. In fact it usually is. I like to have it over lunch. "Hey, let's talk about us and grab a bite to eat." That way it's no big deal.

You figure out the details like, hey we're going to sleep together from the hours of 12 am and 4 am, we'll call each other typically between 5-8 pm. And outside that, we do our own thing.

But always, always one is secretly wishing it will turn into something more.

So then you sleep together, maybe like 3 times in a row, boom boom boom.

And then you take a break because it gets too serious for one person.

But then you start calling each other again and things return to normal, ie sex, and then you're right back to where you started which is one person wanting more and the other doesn't so then the awkward conversaiton ensues.

I'm done with that crap.

Here's what I'm looking for:

I have good women friends and I value them a lot. I'm not trying to fuck my women friends because that's a horrible idea, so that's why I have to find strange trim instead

So unless my skirt is flipped, i don't want to date you. I want to have sex with you because daminit beating off gets old and sometimes I just want to eat the pie.

That's why I end up seeming like an asshole because I'm like, I'll call you. Between the hours of 12 and 4 am. Sometime in the next three weeks. We already worked that out. In our negotiations. Remember?

So if you're looking for the same, actually just looking for no-strings- attached sex, feel free to drop me a line.

Women who want more need not apply. No seriously do not fucking apply. For really real, just don't.

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Craigslist Personals - Even Stoners Get the Blues

A few extra lbs? No problem! Just don't be a bitch and love smoking weed. Easy!

Super Stoner seeks same - 43 (South Side Bend)

Why can you find these sorts of things always on the south side of town?

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Craigslist Personals - girl who dumped me over the phone at 1:30 am - m4w

Date: 2009-01-18, 1:57AM

You called me at 1:30 AM to tell me over and over that you don't want to be with me any more. The problem is, I don't know who you are, and I tried to explain that.

In retrospect, it would have been more fun to play along, but I was a bit too groggy to think fast. Oh well, next time a wrong number breaks up with me, I'll be ready.

Give me a call if you want to practice dumping guys, I guess my number's probably in your phone now. Try to call before 10 though.

* Location: 818
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/997392217.html

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Craigslist Personal - Older and Fat

**Editors' Note: We couldn't make this shit up.**

Reply to: pers-75cz3-1085924688@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-03-21, 5:01PM PDT

Here you have a 46 yo 300# fat balding man, that has bad teeth, a job that bearly pays the bills and is a paycheck away from being kick out of a rented place to live.. I also have a son, thats still under 18, and hes my little guy that keeps me going.. I would like to find a sugar woman, that would like to be there for me when I am bored.. I love to cook, cuddle and give massages.. and of course have sex, I am not well endowed, but love the forplay, giving and receiving.. I have been looking for a soulmate for ages on many web sites, but once they know what I look like, I never hear from them again. I would love to be a one lady's man, but for right now I want the compainonship of someone.... I get very lonely in my king size bed... I not looking for any Barbie type, but would enjoy one. But thats dreaming, I do love to watch the young ladies that think they are God's gift to man, but I know that they are way out of my reach... If that ever happened I know that I would die in bed...(hopefully a happy man). So here I am just dreaming that someone is out there for me.....

http://bend.craigslist.org/m4w/1085924688.html

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The new cyber-bullying

I'm having mixed feelings about Craigslist lately. I mean, is anyone on Craigslist NOT a murderer anymore? Do not click these links if you're emotionally sensitive (or pregnant), but: Exhibit A. Exhibit B.

But then something comes along that reminds me that Craigslist has a higher calling. Like writing up fake craigslist ads making fun of people you don't like.

Like this. A quote:

"I'm looking for someone to be seen with. Basically.... I look amazing. You look amazing.
We look amazing together. In public. We don't have to actually do anything behind closed doors and I would prefer if we didn't.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, celibacy is next to celebrity.

1. If you use incorrect grammar, just keep your mouth closed. I don't want people to think you're just beauty. (We have to appear to be the total package)

2. You must have had an addiction to one drug at one point in time. Bonus points for H.

3. You must have fucked at least two dozen guys that are 'in a band'. Singers count as two people and if we've already fucked, I counted for twelve."

It goes on from there. It's signed "xoxo Cadaver."

So who do we think wrote this? Cadaver's ex-girlfriend? An anti-scenester? Or just some hater?

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Can't get enough of that Craigslist

*** Editor's note: Today's Craigslist Gem comes from Sir Robin, AKA The Fool. Happy dating! ***

Being male, I'm used to being cast as the villain, but there are some dating scenarios that would make even the most virtuous white knight act rather like Sir Robin. Appropriately enough, a confrontation with a three-headed ogre is a pretty fair metaphor when used to describe my date, although to hear her tell it, I was the one who behaved inappropriately. We had first connected online, through Craig's List, and the day after our dating disaster, I found the following post:

"/Last night was the worst first date of my life. Not only was it with the creepiest guy I had ever seen, but after pressuring me into a late-night meeting at Denny's and making me drive an hour out of my way, he barely said a word to me... except to call me fat and tell me to stop eating so much. He tried to order booze after I told him I didn't drink, and he wouldn't take his shades off the entire time. We won't be going out again./"

There was no question that it was about me. The sunglasses bit confirmed it, although she left out the part where I apologized for my debilitating light-sensitivity. Still, as certain as I was about the subject of the story, I wasn't completely clear on the details.

1. "/... After pressuring me into a late-night meeting at Denny's.../" Apparently, responding to passive-aggressive accusations about not being interested counts as pressuring. When I suggested that we wait until Saturday afternoon to meet - rather than a bit past ten on Friday evening - she questioned whether I really wanted to meet at all. I assured her that I did, and she asked if I knew of any restaurants that were open late. "Only Denny's," I joked. Her unexpected response was that Denny's was fine by her. It wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I supposed that it was better than a dingy dive bar somewhere.

2. "/... Making me drive an hour out of my way.../" We lived three hours apart. You do the math.

3. "/... except to call me fat.../" She weighed at least a hundred pounds more than she had led me to believe, but I didn't say anything about it. At least, not until she asked - and this was perhaps the second thing she said to me - "I'm heavier than you expected, aren't I?" My response, for the record, was a decidedly lame reply of "And prettier, too!" Really, though, is there a right answer to that question?

4. "/... and tell me to stop eating so much./" While we had been planning the date, she asked if I would mind paying. While we were eating, she kept ordering more additions to the meal. While looking into my wallet - figuratively speaking - I politely stated that I couldn't comfortably afford much more, being that I was a broke college student. While ignoring my statement, she ate my french fries.

5. "/He tried to order booze.../" No, I tried to order a Shirley Temple. It was the waiter who thought that I was trying to order booze. At least he realized his mistake after I explained it to him.

Perhaps my favorite accusation, though, is this one:

6. "/... he barely said a word to me./" This is true. Of course, it's a little bit hard to get a word in edgewise when she and her sister - who she brought along as a chaperon - are spending the entire time gossiping about friends whom I've never even heard of whilst dining on the meal that I paid for. It's even worse when they both glare at me every time I try to interject a comment or ask a question, and downright insulting when the they discuss me in whispers that they think I can't overhear from across the table.

In spite of all those incorrect details, though, there's definitely one thing that she got exactly right: "/We won't be going out again./"

Believe me, folks... As soon as it was polite enough to do so, Sir Robin ran away.

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Tips for Flirting with People Behind the Desk

I'm not really going to get into specifics, but I have a job where I work behind a desk.  My job is helping you find stuff, and I am supposed to be friendly and open and cheery and I happen to dress kinda cute most of the time.  People... some people... don't get that this is my job and I am like that to everyone.  Ladies in my profession are frequently the object of Craigslist Missed Connections and all sorts of other misplaced crushes.  Just because you have a card with my e-mail on it: don't send me drunken fanmail emails at 12:30 a.m. on a Sunday because I DON'T have a clue who you are. 

I recently found myself flirting with a really really cute guy.  He was at his work.  It happened to be at a phone place, so in order to test my phone service he called my phone... like three times... just to check.  Now, honestly, the last thing I need in my life is ANOTHER guy to muck up the works, but Rebound Mojo is a bitch.  Instead of dwelling on my overwhelming knee-jerk reaction to text him, I am going to write a posting.

Tips for Flirting with People Behind the Desk.

1. This person is at work.
2. This person is probably bored.
3. This person is providing you with excellent customer service.
4. This person probably has a supervisor watching them.
5. This is first and foremost a commercial or educational interaction.
6. Any personal information gleaned from this exchange is null and void for personal use.
7. The way to ask someone out on a date is to ASK THEM OUT ON A DATE.

Have a really nice day. Come back soon!

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